I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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