you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
