I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
