boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
