You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
