I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
