So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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