dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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