tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
