its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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