his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
40s are totally the cure
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
