What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize