Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
