I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
