Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize