dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
What changed your mind?
Being sober
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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