I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
