He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
