i jhust puked up my retainher.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
