fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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