do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
