So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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