Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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