god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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