Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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