The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
