And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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