If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
