Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
you are never too drunk for berry picking
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
