Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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