I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
smell my finger.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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