last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
