I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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