your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
