so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
