Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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