Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
