just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
