i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
