Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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