I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
