$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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