what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Pants are for mortals
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
