we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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