Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
