Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
