I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
