Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
