It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
