Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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