So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
