Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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