I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
