i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
