We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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