I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Bring me that man meat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
