Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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